I’ve come to my blog, a space that no one reads anymore, to share something that I’ve kept from everyone I know, for the past year. It’s something, I’m ashamed of, confused about and more so just mad at myself for letting it happen – to me.
It involves an exboyfriend and myself. We had been “boyfriend and girlfriend” for about 3 weeks, although I wouldnt’ call us that, because I didn’ t see him coz I was in my final year of schooling. His name was Ryan, anyway he was the kind of guy, who didn’t make alot of smart choices in the past, as he got married at 16 and had a child with someone who he said later “cheated” on him. Still not sure if I believed him, or whether I can trust anything that he ever said to me. Including the times he said “I love you”- I never said it back. I always felt bad about myself when Iwas with him, it was weird. Because we never spoke about me, it was always about him and how his ex girlfriends are sending him mean text messages or that he’s depressed and hasnt been eating or sleeping. Or the mad fact that he could see people’s aura’s and was in a past life a demon. – I know nut case, and to make it worse he would flirt with my best friend. But for some stupid reason I was stil with him, even though I did like him I didn’t love him. But I let myself get into a situation which my mother has so often warned me about when it comes to guys, “they don’t care about you, they just want one thing”. Not a direct quote, but she always said to be careful. And normally I was, I would always tell guys to piss off et cetc. But I figured since I met this guy through work, he might not be so bad, I could trust him? Could I?
I thought I could.
We were in his room one day, I had skipped school to see him coz he said he missed me and wanted to see me so badly. thing started out fine, just talking and that later lead to him saying “I wanna hold you”. So I let him, we were just holding each other for about a minute. That’s when he started kissing me which I was fine with, it was just kissing. But then he started undoing my jeans, at first I thought he was just being really stupid, and trying to be funny (he usually was). I said to him “Haha, Ryan what are you doing? Stop it haha”.
He kept going though, and I didn’t like where it was heading, he knew I wasn’t ready for anything “like that” we had discussed it. Ryan yanked my jeans off along with my pants, and I said to him “Ryan, stop please don’t.”
But he just looked at me and said in the weird voice- i’m not sure if he was trying to “sexy” or something. But it wasn’t doing it for me. He said “I know you want it, your voice says no, but eyes say yes.” I was getting even more serious I was raising my voice “Ryan, no please just stop it, I don’t want any of this please just stop!”. But he just wouldn’t stop he kept saying things like “You want it, I know you do. Coz I want it too” then went on to mention something about my aura and my eyes were turning him on. Well I hate to burst his bubble, but I had fear in my eyes, not lust not want for anything other than to get out.
He was alot stronger than I was, so he held my arms down, I was struggling. He only just managed to put “it” in, when I kicked him off and started putting my pants back on. I was gathering my things when he was on the bed and I looked at him and he said to me “Sorry, I thought you wanted it.” I started crying and then ran away, to a park near woolworths, just sat there thinking – mainly crying. I mean, I said no, so many times, yet he thought I meant yes?
He broke up with my via email the following day, saying he wanted someone who thought about “him”. As if he didnt do enough of that for himself. Later boasting that he had feeling for my best friend the whole time.
After that I developed really low self esteem, I mean I figured it didn’t work for me by not giving a guy what he wanted. I thought if I gave a guy what I tohught he wanted, it would make me happy? It really didn’t. so now, I just avoid wanting relationships, and stuff like that. I mean I have liked guys but I’m just too scared to do anything incase they turn out like Ryan did.
I know I wasn’t raped, I’m lucky that I wasn’t because he didn’t go all the way in and finish the deed. Im’ just mad at myself for not listening to my mother, if she knew that any of this had happened to me. I wuoldn’t hear the end of it.
From that incident followed along procession of depression, skipping school and self harming myself because I didn’t know what do, and couldn’t get over it becuase I couldn’t bring myself to tell anyone. It’s not something to brag about.
Well that’s all – I just needed to get it off my chest.
Since it happened a year ago from today.