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I have something to tell you.

I’ve come to my blog, a space that no one reads anymore, to share something that  I’ve kept from everyone I know, for the past year. It’s something, I’m ashamed of, confused about and more so just mad at myself for letting it happen – to me.

It involves an exboyfriend and myself. We had been “boyfriend and girlfriend” for about 3 weeks, although I wouldnt’ call us that, because I didn’ t see him coz I was  in my final year of schooling. His name was Ryan, anyway he was the kind of guy, who didn’t make alot of smart choices in the past, as he got married at 16 and had a child with someone who he said later “cheated” on him. Still not sure if I believed him, or whether I can trust anything that he ever said to me. Including the times he said “I love you”- I never said it back. I always felt bad about myself when Iwas with him, it was weird. Because we never spoke about me, it was always about him and how his ex girlfriends are sending him mean text messages or that he’s depressed and hasnt been eating or sleeping.  Or the mad fact that he could see people’s aura’s and was in a past life a demon. – I know nut case, and to make it worse he would flirt with my best friend. But for some stupid reason I was stil with him, even though I did like him I didn’t love him. But I let myself get into a situation which my mother has so often  warned me about when it comes to guys, “they don’t care about you, they just want one thing”. Not a direct quote,  but she always said to be careful. And normally I was, I would always tell guys to piss off et cetc. But I figured since I met this guy through work, he might not be so bad, I could trust him? Could I?

I thought I could.
We were in his room one day, I had skipped school to see him coz he said he missed me and wanted to see me so badly. thing started out fine, just talking and that later lead to him saying “I wanna hold you”. So I let him, we were just holding each other for about a minute. That’s when he started kissing me which I was fine with, it was just kissing. But then he started undoing my jeans, at first I thought he was just being really stupid, and trying to be funny (he usually was). I said to him “Haha, Ryan what are you doing? Stop it haha”.
He kept going though, and I didn’t like where it was heading, he knew I wasn’t ready for anything “like that” we had discussed it. Ryan yanked my jeans off along with my pants, and I said to him “Ryan, stop please don’t.”
But he just looked at me and said in the weird voice- i’m not sure if he was trying to “sexy” or something. But it wasn’t doing it for me. He said “I know you want it, your voice says no, but eyes say yes.” I was getting even more serious I was raising my voice “Ryan, no please just stop it, I don’t want any of this please just stop!”.  But he just wouldn’t stop he kept saying things like “You want it, I know you do. Coz I want it too” then went on to mention something about my aura and my eyes were turning him on. Well I hate to burst his bubble, but I had fear in my eyes, not lust not want for anything other than to get out.

He was alot stronger than I was, so he held my arms down, I was struggling. He only just managed to put “it” in, when I kicked him off and started putting my pants back on. I was gathering my things when he was on the bed and  I looked at him and he said to me “Sorry, I thought you wanted it.” I started crying and then ran away, to a park near woolworths, just sat there thinking – mainly crying. I mean, I said no, so many times, yet he thought I meant yes?

 He broke up with my via email the following day, saying he wanted someone who  thought about “him”. As if he didnt do enough of that for himself. Later boasting that he had feeling for my best friend the whole time.

After that I developed really low self esteem, I mean I figured it didn’t work for me by not giving a guy what he wanted. I thought if I gave a guy what I tohught he wanted, it would make me happy? It really didn’t. so now, I just avoid wanting relationships, and stuff like that. I mean I have liked guys but I’m just too scared to do anything incase they turn out like Ryan did.

I know I wasn’t raped, I’m lucky that I wasn’t because he didn’t go all the way in and finish the deed. Im’ just mad at myself for not listening to my mother, if she knew that any of this had happened to me. I wuoldn’t hear the end of it.

From that incident followed along procession of depression, skipping school and self harming myself because I didn’t know what do, and couldn’t get over it becuase I couldn’t bring myself to tell anyone. It’s not something to brag about.

Well that’s all – I just needed to get it off my chest.

Since it happened a year ago from today.

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GENERAL VENTING>>>>>

My thoughts tend to sound better in books I didn’t write, songs I didn’t sing. Even then,  sometimes there is no piece of literature, no song, no work of art that can really explain the way I feel. There is a double-edge comfort in knowing, that no one really knows.

Kind Regards

               Frog.

Retail Therapy 101

Tip #10

Respect others:

  • Bring shopping carts to the designated areas so it does not hit a car or shoppers do not have to search for a cart
  • Do not go on an express unless you have a small order
  • Do not get on line until you are finished shopping. Do not load your things and then disappear for a while getting more items
  • Do not take forever to check out: 1.) Have your payment method ready when you get on line. If paying by check start to fill out the check. 2.)Do not take forever to get the change just so you can have the extra dollar bill. 3.)Check sale signs to see if you have the right sale item to avoid unnecessary price checks
  • Hand unwanted items to store employee or put them back on shelf
  •  

    Have a good Christmas 🙂

    Retail Therapy 101

    Tip # 8/9? Forget where I was up to…

    Found a helpyful article from Flourish Magazine’s website on successful shopping. Have aread. 🙂

    http://www.flourishmagazine.com.au/articles/5-tips-to-be-supermarket-savvy.html

    It’s hard to define who my “best friend” is. I have a lot of close friends. But I figure this title goes to someone, who I don’t talk to very often, but she knows everything there is to know about me…most of the time I dont’ even have to tell her, she just knows lol. We’ve spend a year across opposite sides of the country and I have covered for her so many times….the lucky winner of the title as my bestfriend goes to….

    Lisa

    Wow, I look so dark in this photo…

    Dear Lisa,

    I never, ever ever ever expected you and I to become such close friends. I remember the day we first met. I was with my mate rebecca, and you were with Jamie, and I threw ice at you…starting an ice fight. Our friendship came outta nowhere. I love our unhealthy sleepovers, lame truth or dares and all the times you’ve tried to get my drunk, but have failed miserably. We’ve been through so much, all the times I lied for you whilst you went out with Sam to get high and wasted. And the times you covered for me while I’d go see Ryan. So we’re pretty much even.  This isn’t a very long letter, not particularly good when it comes to word limits.
    In essence you are an amazing person, who’s taught me to come out of my shell a little bit more, and I think/hope I’m better for it. Looking forward to all the good that’s yets to occurr during our friendship.
    yours Faithfully
    Frog.

    If I was a Flower….

    If I Had a Super Power…

    It was a late shift one friday night at my local supermarket, that I got asked this question. A rather random question, as the situation I was in involed a randomly good looking guy from grocery and myself, stacking shelves in the cereal aisle. Stacking shelves on Fridays always involve, me being in an incredibly awkward situation with either, a guy that I like, or a guy that I’ve never met before, but could possibly like after a few more aquaintances.
    Grocery guy asked me, (spoken in deep, dumb, boy voice)

    “If you could choose any super power, like what would it be?”

    I looked into his incredibly cute brown eyes and replied
    “I honestly haven’t got a clue mate.”
    After I said that, two questions came into my mind, one; What super power WOULD I choose?; and two: why would I say MATE, to a guy that I may fancy in the near future? The second question simply vanished after that shift, as it turned out Grocery Guy has a girlfriend. But the other question wouldn’t leave me alone. So that is when I seeked the advice of one so wise, her name was Sarah.

    Ofcourse after a late night shift at work I wouldn’t be so silly to phone Sarah at 10.30pm, she would use her wise abilities to seek incomprehendable revenge on disturbing her beauty sleep. Saturday morning, I phone her up and explain my dilemma. After about 10minutes, of “OMGs!”, “lol’s” and “Freya! As if you would say that to him…” Sarah and I realised we had a mission to fullfill. I had told Sarah my Top 3 Super Powers, they were
    -Invisiblity
    – Mind Reader
    -Teleportation

     My first option is in invisibility. Basically thought this one up when I was a kid, because I used to get into trouble and hide alot from my mum.

    PROS: So if she ever got angry at me I could hide from her no problem. I’d be a champion hide and seeker

    CONS: If I was ever walking around invisible I’d have to watch out for cars and traffic, coz they wouldn’t stop for me. So I would most likely get killed. And besides, who wants to be awesome at hide and seek, thats just boring. And I specifically remember my mum thinking I was abducted everytime I hid in my secret hiding spot.

    Mind Readering (Telepathy)
    Lets make things clear, this is not the whole moving things with my mind stuf.f Thats telekenesis <-probs spelt wrong :P. This is the ability to read mind, and put thoughts into their heads.

    PROS: I can know what people are thinking, like when a teacher asks me a question in class, I can simply mind read the answer and not get lectured when I don’t know something. It’s also fun when I’m stuck listening to bitches in my classes, just one dirty image of Dame Edna in a bikini and BAM they’re gone! Mwuaha. Also when my friends say they don’t want anything for their birthday. I can read their minds and know what they ACTUALLY want!

    CONS: This ability may or may not come with an on/off switch. So you could be hearing things you may not even want to know. Ew… Also basically you can’t move things with your mind which lets face it…that is kick ass at scaring people.

    Teleportation
    This is one of those powers which I’ve been desiring recently. Wanting to be anywhere else but work? Simple just teleport yourself where ever you want to go. Just like when Dorothy said “There’s no place like home…” but minus the shiny red slippers (optional)

    PROS: I can teleport my self anywhere I want, heck I could get myself on the set of Doctor Who! Even better TRAILERs!not being stalker fan girl at all….
    Also the time it takes is practically nil.

    CONS: Sadly if you’re like me, its very likely that when you are teleporting you could teleport yourself into a wall or halfway through an elevator..or turn up with a head, or no head. Lets not get mixed up with time travel. You can go any where but back in time…

    Hm, I don’t suppose I could wish for all the super powers? Nah, that would be cheating, the same as how people would wish for  more wishes from a 3 wish genie. It’s not ethically correct. If you are blessed with a super power, good for you. But you’d probably be wishing you had something else. Just like how us Norms would wish to even have a super power. I’m not sure how to conclude this blog. But simply to direct you to this video by  David Dohery entitled: Very Mild Super Powers.

    So faithful bloggers, here is my dilemma.

    It is my final year of highschool, and my year 12 music class was asked to perform the graduation song …sure good idea it would nice to have the honour of singing it for everyone. HOWEVER! …however- the choice of song is what I have a problem with. It is called…can’t even remember what it’s called. but it is by the Camels, and it is from the the bogan film Bra Boys. -Yep that was the name of the film. I want to be remembered for something classy, not a song that has bogan screaming and boganl yrics. JUst… NO! Grr…anyway that was a minor annoyance of mine had to get off my chest.
    Onto the rest of my blog.

    WAIT!!!! ok so I started this blog over  a month ago so I forgot what I was going to say. Sorrry guys :\